Clearing the Air...

Ahhh. I was thinking about it the other day and I realized that I haven't written a blog since I got out of the hospital. There is a very good reason for this. You see, one of my first goals when I was recovering from my ordeal was to write a detailed accounting of the entire experience. I believed that it would be therapeutic, allowing me to come to terms with the fact that I was about 6 hours from dying.

In practice however, it was very disturbing. As I wrote I began feeling more and more tense about the whole thing. Instead of helping me wrap my mind around the event, I found myself beginning to panic. About 15 minutes into it I had to stop writing. I just couldn't continue any longer. I shut my laptop and just sat there.

Those of you who know me have heard the story by now. I make light of it, with all the right serious undertones and all, but that's just on the surface. Below that I am deeply troubled by it. In some way the experience was liberating and awe inspiring. In other way, however, I don't know if I've recovered fully yet.

I don't know if I can fully explain the impact. A lot of people have near death experiences; I'm nothing special. I guess the part that really gets me is that, unlike something external like a car wreck, my death was almost caused by my own body failing. I guess everything aligned just right to cause what happened, but it's the prospect of my own body shutting down that really disturbs me. I was 6 hours away from dying because my kidneys shut down on their own from dehydration. No giant 10 car pileup, no flaming plane crash, no mugging gone bad. Just a virus. A virus and three days in hell. 

I was engaged. I had just joined a great band. I had a slew of great family and friends. I was 26 years old. I was in college.

And I could have died. Just like that. 

In some ways I am happy it happened. I had once again become a slave to my anxiety, convinced that something was somehow physically wrong with me. I had missed some school due to my panic attacks, which were growing more and more frequent. I was very unfocused in my life, just kind of floating around, letting things happen to me instead of actively participating in life. I was certainly heading down a bad path. 

The whole kidney affair put my life in focus. After three days hooked up to all kinds of machinery and having every kind of medical test possible done, I am able to say that, besides being a fatass, I am otherwise healthy. This helped to allay my growing concerns that I was ill somehow and gave me a lot of the medical answers I was looking for.

Anywho, coming back to the present, I realized that I had to somehow conquer my fear of writing this stuff down so I could begin to blog again without feeling my heart leap into my throat at the thought.

I just want to say that I love you guys. Each and everyone of you, closer or more distant, are very important to me. With everything being so busy we don't see enough of each other as we should. Trying to change that fact drastically is a fools game. Everyone has their own life to live and that is a beautiful thing.

When I think about the prospect of death I don't fear the unknown. I cry for the end of my life with all of you. We are truly fortunate to be here. Take care of yourselves.